The Cure for the Slump

People have been pointing fingers at different reasons for the recent Phillies slump. First I will break it down just how bad the offense is in comparison to the rest of the league. The Phillies are ranked in the following way: Runs 18^th, Hits 23^rd, HRs 12^th, RBIs 18^th, AVG 16^th, OBP 15^th. There are 30 teams in MLB, so we rank in the bottom half in 5 out of the 6 categories. So what does Manuel or Amaro do? What is the answer? Is there in fact a magic bullet? I will explore these questions and more as we move on.

I will dispel the rumors that are floating around out there about the crux of the slump. It is not because Rollins is not in the lineup. Rollins has been a subpar leadoff hitter since his MVP season. I know all about his swagger and what he means defensively, but let’s be honest, he is like Kiko Garcia with the bat. Sure he is an upgrade from Valdez and Castro, or whatever other horseshit Latin American player they toss out at shortstop. Rollins hit .250 with a .296 OBP last year. Folks, he is not the answer.

There is also a nasty rumor floating around that Milt Thompson is toying with too many players batting stances. People such as Howard, Werth, and Ibanez. Leave Howard alone. Let this dude hit .260 and drop 40-50 bombs a year. Right now he is hitting .286 with 41 RBIs, but his power is way down. We are two months into the season and he is stuck at 9 HRs. Extrapolate that out and this monster is going to have only 27 HRs. He had 27 at the All Star break a few years. Werth just isn’t the guy we thought he was. He had a career year in 2009. He will never duplicate those numbers. See Rollins in 2007 please. Ibanez is brutal. His bat speed it brutal and we got lulled into thinking he was a stud because he carried this team for the first two months last year. He is hitting .230 this year and only .214 since he was injured last year. This brings me to the two-fold answer to all the problems.

First, I would like to introduce Raul and Dobbs to three simple letters. DFA. Designated for Assignment. Cut your loses and get rid of these squids. You either bring up Mayberry .268 BA 9 HR 33 RBIs or Brown .313 BA 10 HR 33 RBIs. You then replace Dobbs with Cody Ransom 12 HR 37 RBIs. Ransom could provide the RH pop off of the bench that Phils desperately need.

Finally I would urge the Phillies need a slumpbuster. Baseball players believe that by having sex with an unattractive female, they can end their slump. Therefore a slump buster is the unattractive female that they have sex with, in hopes of busting their slump. Now I understand that Chase and some of the other guys have wives who are very attractive, etc. I will guarantee you that one night in a NE Philly bar like Fluke’s on State Road will provide more than enough unattractive women for the entire team. So there you have it. My advice to the Phils is to saddle up to the bar, down copious amounts of Jameson, look across the bar at the unattractive women (it shouldn’t be too hard, it is NE Philly), whisper a sweet nothing (such as Wanna #%$^?), and watch the wins pile up.