Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Angels in the Outfield

Baseball’s over. Jay Wrizight don’t give two shits about football, politics or the fact LeBron ended up in San Francisco. I’ve got a lot of time on my hands. While everyone is discussing the BCS, lame ass eagles, green tea bag party or some retarded dunk some clown did after take 7 steps, I’m left to ponder the universe and my small part in it. A year ago, I lost a dear friend, Joe or Poppa Squirrel as he was sometimes called. He spent his life as a chef. He fought a long and hard battle against pancreatic cancer. Most people who get pancreatic cancer die within six months. Gene Upshaw and Patrick Swayze were diagnosed after and died before Poppa Squirrel. 

When I’d go to visit him in the hospital, he’d always turn the Phillies game for me. He wasn’t a diehard fan but he could hold an intelligent conversation about the Phillies. I would tell him I can watch the game at home and he’d get all sarcastic and say,” Well, I can watch it here. Look! I got the remote right here!”   Before he was sick, he could make a meal that make you drool thinking about it a week later. One of the things I believe happen when you get to heaven is that you get ALL the answers to the questions you always wondered about like, “Did Lee Harvey Oswald work alone? If Drew Barrymore was walking down the same street as me would I have a chance? Did Courtney or Kurdt write the songs for Hole?”

When I get to see Joe again these are the top nine (baseball related) questions I will be asking:

9. How hard did Walter Johnson actually throw? There are claims he threw over 100MPH but when you see any video, he has and easy and relaxed sidearm toss to the plate.

8. What incriminating photos did Greg Amzinger and Chris Wheeler have to work in baseball as long as they did?

7. Why was Cliff Lee’s Phillies cap missing the metal “beanie” on the top? Most people think I am fucked up because I’d even notice this. I just want to know.

6. If Bartman doesn’t try to make that catch, would it change anything?

5. How great would Bo Jackson have been if he only played baseball?

4. If Babe Ruth remained a pitcher, how many games would he have won? He had 89 wins with the Red Sox in basically 3 seasons. He only pitched in 22 games combined his first and last year in Boston.

3. Did Pete Rose ever bet against his team? I have no problem with Rose being in the Hall of Fame as long as he never bet against his own team.

2. Was Joe Jackson involved in the Black Sox Scandal? He always claimed he was innocent and his batting average was higher during the World Series than the regular season. He is still on baseball’s ineligible list.

1. If steroids were never involved, who would have been the best player of the early 90’s? If it’s Ryne Sandberg I might set the record for the shortest stay in heaven when I find Paul Owens and choke his ass out.  Of course, as I’m being escorted out, Joe, holding a plate of chicken parm will blurt out, “Oh, so you want that to go? Ya shmuck.”

Joe, I’ll see ya in heaven, hopefully later rather than sooner.

Jay Wrizight

This article is dedicated to Joseph D Rifkin, R.I.P.


  1. You made me cry you MFer!!! Best piece yet! I gotta go wash my Heynaner naner.

  2. me too and a giggle so thankx!

  3. Very nice Jonathan.

  4. Jonathan, I found this to be really touching. In other words, heart felt and moving. I am sure Mr. Rifkin loves it.