Sorry that I’m a little late with this weeks article. The Wriz had some important shopping to do. Everyone knows it’s much better to give than receive. Well, not really, but that’s what they say. I suspect after this past year, I will end up on most everyone’s naughty list. So, in an attempt to buy forgiveness and friendship, the Wriz will be playing Santa.
Jimmy Rollins. I gift you an injury free year.
Chase Utley. You get a seven second delay. Your potty mouth is costing you endorsements.
Placido Polanco. You get a cool Kangol hat. Unfortunately, it will be a little late as it needed to be special ordered. You understand.
Domonic Brown. You already got your present. Cliff Lee’s signing takes almost all the pressure off of you needing to immediately show why you were baseball’s number one prospect.
Carlos Ruiz. You get the respect you deserve in the form of an All-Star appearance and Gold Glove.
Shane Victorino. You get as many one-on-one sessions with the Wriz as you’d like. I was born with baseball smarts and hardly a lick of physical ability. You, my friend, are my complete opposite.
Raul Ibanez. My gift to you is I will remind you where that fountain of youth is that you seem to find for 2 months of the season, but then forget about.
The Rotation. Your present is that I will refrain from resorting to calling you by some ridiculous nickname. If I need to refer to you collectively, I will simply say, “The Greatest Rotation ever assembled.”
The Bullpen. I am sending some crossword puzzles and new PSP and DS games. You will have plenty of time to kill as you will have 4 out of 5 days off.
Charlie Manuel. You get a thesaurus. Nice, delightful, respectable and proficient are just a few suitable substitutions for good.
Jayson Werth. Even though you took the money and ran and wound up on the naughty list, you still get a gift. Six hundred and seventy nine tissues. That’s one for each loss you’ll suffer through in Washington.
Well, the Wriz’s bag of Christmas cheer is now empty. I didn’t forget Ryan Howard. He gets the bag, so he can sack up and swing when the game is on the line.
Merry Fucking Christmas!
See you at the Yule log.