Monday, January 24, 2011

I Have Golden Tickets! Let's Make a Deal!

I received an interesting e-mail from the Pittsburgh Pirates. It reads as follows.

As a E-Bucs subscriber, you can receive special access to purchase individual game tickets for the 2011 regular season online before the general public!

Get front-of-the-line access for all the best games including:
Thursday, April 7 - Home Opener vs. Colorado Rockies
Saturday, May 21 - Neil Walker Bobblehead Night
Saturday, June 11 - Skyblast I
June 24-26 Series vs. Boston Red Sox
Saturday, July 9 - Skyblast featuring .38 Special in Concert
Saturday, August 6 - Skyblast featuring Train in Concert
Saturday, September 24 - Fan Jam featuring Steve Miller Band

Why am I posting this you may ask? I purchased tickets through the Pirates web site in 2007 and they still send me e-mails. They have probably the most beautiful ballpark in baseball, they also have terrible attendance. I wonder how long it will be till the Phillies send me an e-mail like this. If you want tickets to any game this upcoming season in Pittsburgh all you have to do is call, go on line or walk up to their ticket window on game day. Here it's a little different. Back in the days of the Vet you could do pretty much the same thing. You would wake up and realize the Phils were playing a 'Business Persons Special'. In an instant you decide to play hooky. You would hop on the Broad Street line, and walk up to the ticket window, You would have your choice of roughly 40,000 seats. Those days are long gone. Now going to the Phillies games takes planning and money. Lots of money if you decide to go the Stub Hub route. I have a 17 game plan, I have for years. There was a time pre 2008 that I would occasionally have to just give away tickets to the few games I couldn't make. I haven't had that problem in recent years. People still ask me "Do you have any 'extra' tickets?" And by 'extra' they mean free. To quote Whitney Houston the answer is "HELL TO THE NO!" Some tickets may become available but they are not going to be free.

I have Golden Tickets and we are going to do this Bob Barker style. Let's Make a Deal! I will not sell them on Stub Hub to some strangers. I would love them to go to loyal Drunk Phils Fans readers. As the great Carl Spangler once said "There will be no money involved, but on your death bed you will receive total consciousness." Sorry, I digress, had a Caddy Shack moment. The sentiment still applies, I don't want money but their are deals to be made. Below is what I'm looking to get for tickets to the greatest baseball season this town may ever see.

So you know what your getting, 2 seats that are 5 rows from the field in right center. Let's hope you enjoy the smell of crab fries and BBQ.

- Any normal, non-give-away game. A 60 inch high quality flat screen, installed in my living room. I must approve of the brand and specs. Also you need to figure out how to have the radio broadcast come through the TV for all Phillies games. The TV must be TMac and Wheeler free.

- Any Give-away game. A Beer Mister of my choice with a year supply of Heineken. Do not pick this option if you do not have a truck or large SUV. Those kegs are heavy and I may require a few at a time. I will also require one of those Roy Oswalt bobble heads they give you at the gate.

- The Red Sox series. A weekend of golf at Augusta National. I will require transportation to and from Augusta. A private jet is preferred. Also limo service to and from both airports.

- Playoff game. A four year college scholarship for one of my kids. Either one of my current kids or a kid to be named later.

- World Series Game. Unless your name is Minka Kelly, Nadine Velazquez or you have been crowned Playboy Playmate of the Year do not inquire. If you are one of the lovely ladies I mentioned above give me a call. I have an indecent proposal for you.

Don't worry, the Fightin' Phils won't be the best team in baseball forever. Tickets will be easily attainable again in the future. If you really want to go this year just step up, everything has a price. If you are reading this I will see you at the ballpark when the Phils stink again. You will know it's me, I will have Minka Kelly on one arm and a Playmate on the other. WIFE IS LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER...ABORT, ABORT!!

Keep it Classy Philly!



  1. You like fine women yet drink shit beer.

  2. Wife was looking over your shoulder? Were you in the kitchen or laundry room?

  3. Anyone knowing where I can buy a TMac and Wheeler free TV please let me know. Could use one myself.

  4. She was chained to the stove Chris, and yes she was barefoot & pregnant. And gibby53, I got a DVR recently, I plan to use it to sync up with the radio broadcast, it should work since the radio is a few seconds behind. I can't wait for a TMac & Wheeler free summer!