The Franchise was not always the man. It took a lot of Muscle Milk, pumping of iron, hair gel, and self-tanning solution. The Franchise loves the club scene in Philadelphia, but there are many losers out there. Many of you ladies have actually dated some of them. If you are still in the club when the lights go on, then you are a loser. If you wear a black hat with a yellow P you are a loser. Yes, I am talking about the armpit of Pennsylvania and the MLB - The Pittsburgh Pirates.
A lot of these nut rags out there in the national media spout off about how terrible the Phillies were and how the Phillies were the first team to 10,000 losses. Philadelphia baseball was in fact a city of losers pre-1980. It just so happens that The Franchise was also born Valentine’s Day in 1980. Coincidence? I think not. I researched the top 26 worst seasons in MLB history and found out that 9 of those 26 season seasons were in fact played here in Philadelphia:
A’s – ’15, ’16, and ‘19
Phillies- ’28, ’38, ’39, ’41, ’42, and ‘45
So why is The Franchise picking on Pittsburgh? It is like making fun of bum selling flowers next to the on ramp to I-95. Well I wanted to exorcise the demons of Philadelphia being a losing town. The Phillies had 16 consecutive losing seasons from 1933-1948 (P.F. – Pre-Franchise). Well the Pirates have eclipsed that mark with 18 consecutive losing seasons and counting from 1993-2010. I have to tell you I do not think things are looking good for the Bucs in 2011. They just lost an arbitration case to Ross Ohlendorf. Ross had a stellar 2010 record of 1-11.
I then further researched losing streaks to see if I could find a baseball team that had more consecutive losses than the Phillies in a season. The 23 game losing streak in 1961 still bothers The Franchise. Someone had to be worse than my hometown team right? Well just like with the ladies, The Franchise does not disappoint. The 1889 Louisville Colonels lost 26 straight that year. So that streak is now officially off our city’s back.
The Franchise then wondered who the other losers were in the four major sports. In the NFL, the 1976-1977 Tampa Bay team was a horrendous 0-26 over two seasons. The Sharks (92-93) and the Capitals (74-75) share the NHL’s record with 17 straight losses. The current NBA streak is ongoing with Cleveland now losing 26 straight.
There should be a movement to change the best pitching award in the MLB from Cy Young’s name. This fat tub of goo lost 316 career games. Why not name it the Anthony Young Award? Anthony Young lost 27 consecutive games in which he was involved in a decision from 1992-1993 for those gnutes (The Franchise’s own word) who played in Shea.
In preparation for this article, The Franchise did watch the reality show called ‘The Biggest Loser’. The Franchise did not like watching big fat animals on scales. It made The Franchise sick. It also had no fist-pumping. There were some breasts jiggling all over the place, but that was from the disgraced Olympian Rulon Gardner’s chest. I will leave you with this thought though…Sometimes losing is not so bad. Sometimes a friend, or co-worker, or teammate is such a cancer that you actually are better by losing them or letting them go.
Nota Bene (which is Italian and means note well for all of you non-paisanos)
In honor of those lost… The Franchise’s Top 9 Self Tanners:
· Guerlain's Terracotta Self-Tanning Spray for the Body
· L'Oreal Sublime Glow for the Body
· Laura Mercier Bronzing Gel for the Face
· Clarins Radiance-Plus Self Tanning Cream-Gel for the Face
· Jergens Natural Glow
· Decleor Self-Tanning Milk and Gels for Body and Face
· St. Tropez Whipped Bronze Self-Tanning Mousse for Face and Body
· Clarins Liquid Bronze Self-Tanner for the Face
· TanTowel Self-Tanning Towelettes